my sister called last night to tell me that our elementary school gym teacher has died. although mr. krupa was really more than the gym teacher. he did a little bit of everything, even drove the school bus. he had for the past few years been the principal at the high school.

i am so sad. he really was amazing. he called us 'turkeys' and it felt like a compliment. he was kind and even gentle when the situation called for it. gym can be a harrowing experience for some kids, but he never pushed anyone too hard and never let the uber-athletes or bullies get away with intimidating the less able. i must say my favorite memory is how he would have us line up and stand 'at attention' for 1 minute before letting us play. in a stroke, he taught us to take control of our bodies and heightened our enthusiasm for the game. of course, some days (usually the beginning of the school year and after winter holiday) it would take many minutes for us to be able to stand still for that long. yet, he was never reproachful, just calm and expectant. and we liked it. and adored him.

my prayers are with his wife and teenage children.

so groggy. huh? d'you say something?

only 4 hours sleep. but a hefty dose of caffeine is on the way.

insomnia sucks. can't imagine how people with chronic insomnia function at all. i'm absolutely batty after just one night. i might have to pull a george costanza and nap under my desk today. it's really quite roomy under there. or i could just sneak into one of the research patient rooms where there are recliners. soooo comfy.

*nods off*

just got back from PoA on IMAX. wow. i had never seen a movie on IMAX that wasn't all fish and sharks. so sweet. so much detail! all movies should be on IMAX, if only to justify the high price of movies these days!

i was highly amused by the teenager a few seats down who was very obviously a huge fan of rupert grint. she snapped to attention for all of his major scenes. at least she wasn't squealing out loud (until the credits anyway). the guy who was with her was so ready to leave at the end of the movie, but she made him stay and watch the entirety of the credits. omgsofunny.

boy: how long are these credits?
girl: they're almost over now.

a couple minutes of girl pointing out all the funny stuff the footprints are doing

boy: i thought you said they were almost over.
girl: they are almost over. see they are showing the music stuff. look! the feet are tapping to the music!
me: (to myself) hey! they are tapping. omgsocute!

a couple more minutes

boy: i'm leaving.
girl: no, you have to see what happens at the end. see, look, this is the end, mischief managed.
me: (to myself) that guy must really like that girl.

k, a few things i walked away with:
1) the credits are so funny. i never really paid that much attention. i just thought there were footprints all over, but there is actually stuff going on;
2) steve kloves is a hack. kudos to cuaron for pulling this film out of the mire in spite of kloves' dead weight threatening to drag it down at every turn;
3) reading "movie name in 15 minutes" forever alters my perception of the movie in question; and
4) IMAX is not kind to the teenage complexion. so many spots.

gah! can't wait for the DVD (my birthday, woo-hoo!) to see the deleted scenes!

sleep my only wish
from whence comes this lassitude?
come soon precious night

sometimes i wonder why i bother to get my hopes up...ever. dammit i'm so tired of being disappointed! i just want to crawl under a rock and hibernate for a few months.

such a jonah day.

: (

meh. i could stop writing right now and that one word could sum up my entire being. meh.

caffeine addiction sucks.
not eating dairy (although i miss ice cream and cheesecake) is awesome.
i hate my job (but what else is new).
i miss my friends and niece. so far away. : (

like i said, meh.

yesterday was day 3. the craving began, but i indulged in as many tortilla chips with salsa as a girl could eat. didn't think it through, the chipotle was pretty spicy and i was very uncomfortable for the next 2 hours! anyway...it worked as far as the dairy craving went.

so off to begin day 4! woo-hoo!

Day 2 - Dairy free

ok, already i feel a difference. could be psychological. i don't think so though. the puffiness in my face (especially around the eyes) is already subsiding. and my thinking is not as fuzzy as usual. i've been told it takes 7 days to clear the effects of dairy from one's system. so, i should be feeling pretty damn good by then.

a few passing thoughts of cheese. slight feelings of unfairness, "others can eat cheese, why can't i" feelings. no real cravings yet, but i am being very liberal in my diet otherwise to help myself feel less deprived. once i get over the dairy cravings, then i will tackle gluten.

it is amazing, though, how much junk food has dairy in it. my diet is already vastly improved for that reason alone! *chuckle*

ok, day one without dairy. piece of cake. however, from previous experience, i know that this is the calm before the storm. the real cravings kick in about day three. i am determined however, since my love for all things dairy has been answered with naught but torment and abuse. so, fingers crossed.

am feeling most unfulfilled today

homesick and dissatisfied with my life and work and yet completely unmotivated to change anything

not complacent or resigned, but impotent

maybe i just need a nap

or maybe i just need a man

meh

current mood: suspended twixt life and lethe
current music: incessant disgruntled grumbling under my breath

i am about to experience my first dust storm. very odd. i can taste the dirt already and the storm isn't even upon us yet. psychological? (pause to examine taste in mouth) nope. it is real enough. the sight of the storm coming on was surreal. as i drove home from work all looked normal (fought to keep the car on the road, though). the mountains behind the house gleamed pink in the afternoon sun. then just a few minutes after i had come home, the mountains were completely obscured. the dust crawled our way like some ominous entity bent on consuming us - which it now seems to have done. my brother warns that sleep will not be easy. the wind itself is noisy enough, but when it throws sand at your windows...

i'll be back with a post-sandstorm update if i survive the night.

i have a job. not a great job. but a good job. it amazes me still how my self-worth and identity hinge on having a job. i knew that. and yet i hated the last job so much i was willing to jump without a net.

of course, i had a plan.

i had another job before long. however, my plans did not include having a nutcase for a boss. in an ordinary job, i could tolerate a psycho boss for at least 6 months. but this was a live-in nanny job. the woman gave no indication of her insanity during the interview process. although, in hindsight, i had a few twinges of intuition between the time i was hired and the time i actually started the job. note to self: trust intuition.

so, i ran screaming into the night. i had no idea that it would take me 5 months to find another job. and i am intelligent and educated! actually, that might be part of the problem. i think it was hard to find a service job because employers thought it strange that i would want or need a service job. so, overqualified for most jobs and underqualified for many others, i languished in the 'no man's land' of job seekers.

bush said we need to focus on math and science education. hmmm...as a biologist, i must say that a math and science education has not been much help at all. and i will spend the rest of my life trying to pay for it.

but, i have a job. my self-worth has been validated. it is a good day.

mozart

i'm listening to mozart's clarinet quintet in A. i find it hard to articulate my thoughts on mozart's music. as much as i am moved by bach and beethoven et al, there something unique about mozart. is it mathematical perfection? when listening to a mozart work that i have never heard, it is almost as if i can predict what note is coming next. like the music was whole and perfect, written before time, and mozart just discovered it.

ok, it is 4 am and i am still awake. that is good i think. i am getting on schedule for the graveyard shift. but i feel like i am out of step with the rest of the world. wacky. i'm too old for this!

my man johnny depp won the SAG award for "pirates of the caribbean" my friends all said i was crazy when i said (walking out of the theater after my first viewing) that he would get nominated for an oscar. i got the same feeling watching anthony hopkins in "silence of the lambs" and tommy lee jones in "the fugitive". having been an acting major, i can recognize outstanding performances. i don't mean run-o-the-mill great performances. there are a plethora of fine actors today. i mean the once in a lifetime performances that just transcend most contemporary work. another example: tim robbins in mystic river. how such a big man can make himself so seem so small boggles my mind. he hasn't chopped off his legs. yet the power of his performance makes him seem like a tiny man. hard to explain if you haven't seen it. it is the kind of performance every actor strives for. see it if you get the chance. it is hard (emotionally) to watch but worth it!

i haven't heard from the county regarding the REAL job (disease investigation and intervention specialist) yet. i think they were scheduling interviews for Monday. so if i don't hear from them tomorrow...
i don't want to think about it. i am totally qualified. not overqualified either. i am perfect for this job!!! ok, enough obsessing. i have a job interview tomorrow for a PT position at a casino. must get some sleep!!!

fingers crossed!

ok, not much new to add today. i have slept pretty much my whole 2 days off! i don't know if i can physically handle this much longer. my throat is scratchy. hmmm...could it be the same cold that both Lee and Gina have (brother and his girlfriend)? crap - just in time for going back to work. well, on the bright side, if i am sick, i am sure the people i work with will let me just hang out during the long slow 2-4am period. still plenty of time to get all the required work done - but i can slack on any extra work that i would attempt to do to pass the time! ok, i am even boring myself right now!!! so off to be with me.
g'night.

first post - let's see how long this lasts...

first of all, the graveyard shift has got to go. i am too old for this! but it will have to do...until the real thing comes along (ala Billie Holiday). seriously, the bags under my eyes, complete and utter exhaustion - ok, so i will adjust in a couple weeks. but then when the real thing DOES come along, i will spend another month adjusting to normal life again.

i work 2 days with one woman and 2 days with another. to be honest, i don't really like the one at all. she isn't horrible, but we have nothing in common and she is a low talker. and with all the background buzz from the coolers and such, i have to ask her to repeat everything she says. plus not the best work ethic either. in her opinion, we do our tasks once and that is it. so if i sweep the parking lot (glamorous, eh?) and an hour later someone has spilled their fast food refuse as they opened their car door, i am supposed to leave it there? i don't think so! especially when it is 3 in the morning, there are no customers, and i am bored out of my skull!!!! but i am new and don't want to taint the working relationship (such as it is). ugh.

on the bright side, the other woman i work with is something else entirely. she is hardworking but fun. we like the same music. and she is loud so i never have to ask her to speak up! ha ha ha and from the short time we have talked, i have learned that life has kicked her around a bit (so we have that in common - ha!). but her situation makes me put my situation in perspective, you know? i'm not the only one with a heavy burden. i forget sometimes and get mired too easily in my own problems.

i think i need to find a volunteer situation. take the focus off myself for a few hours a week. and i am sure there are many opportunities here in las vegas to do just that! i'll keep y'all posted.

smooches to all!